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Author Topic: Just for laughs....(Jokes/Riddle..Anything Funny)  (Read 8218 times)
PrincessTwister
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« on: September 17, 2007, 10:24:22 PM »

A Woman & Bartender

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?", she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.


"Tell him," she whispers,
"there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
« Last Edit: August 06, 2008, 07:09:24 AM by PrincessTwister » Logged

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PrincessTwister
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« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2007, 10:32:24 PM »

In Heaven

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
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PrincessTwister
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« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2007, 10:34:53 PM »

Is This Married Life?  Wink

Before the Marriage...

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She : Do you want me to leave ?
He : NO ! Don't even think about it.
She : Do you love me ?
He : Of course !
She : Have you ever cheated on me?
He : NO! Why would you even ask ?
She : Will you kiss me ?
He : Yes !
She : Will you hit me ?
He : No way ! I'm not that kind of person !
She : Can I trust you ?

After the marriage, you can read it from bottom to the top !!!!
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Bickers
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« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2007, 03:33:13 AM »

you're on fire PT - good work! (not literally on fire, that wouldn't be good)
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balloonsisfun
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« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2007, 05:45:45 PM »

Eating Grass

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one of the men "Why are you eating the grass?" "We don't have money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

The man answered "But sir, I have a wife and two children!

"Bring them along" replied the lawyer. The lawyer turn to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children?" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall."
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LoonBall
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« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2007, 02:42:27 PM »

I am not sure if i should cry or laugh at that joke   Undecided
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Wim
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« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2007, 12:17:30 AM »

I am not sure if i should cry or laugh at that joke   Undecided

I thought it was really funny! But he, what do I know.....
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Peter John
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« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2007, 07:03:51 AM »

Question: What did Sir Lancelot wear to bed?



























Answer: A knight-gown
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Dr Toonz
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« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2007, 09:13:38 AM »

GROAN



Whats green and red and goes 80 miles an hour ......













a frog in a blender ....
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balloonsisfun
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« Reply #9 on: September 20, 2007, 07:12:23 PM »

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
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Bickers
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« Reply #10 on: September 21, 2007, 02:09:28 AM »

whats brown and sticky.....

























a stick
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Peter John
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« Reply #11 on: September 21, 2007, 06:54:20 AM »

A Native American (Indian) goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you have to help me.  Sometimes I think I am a Tepee other times a Wigwam .... A tepee.... a wigwam.... a tepee... a wigwam... You have to help me. 

The Psychiatrist says, I know your problem... You're two tents!

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PrincessTwister
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« Reply #12 on: September 21, 2007, 07:05:09 AM »

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PrincessTwister
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« Reply #13 on: September 21, 2007, 07:08:55 AM »

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PrincessTwister
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« Reply #14 on: September 21, 2007, 07:18:46 AM »

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one...


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female.


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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